New Facility to Feature All-You-Can-Eat Cholent Bar

Hillel President Wayne Firestone.

(Springfield -- January 29, 2008) With the Kol B'Cider student a cappella group singing in the background, Springfield philanthropist C. Montgomery Burns' assistant Waylon Smithers affixed a mezuzah to the doorpost of the C. Montgomery Burns Hillel Center for Jewish Campus Life at Springfield University, officially opening the latest jewel in Hillel's international network.

"This new building reflects the transformation of Jewish life on this campus," declared Hillel International President Wayne L. Firestone, himself a Springfield alumnus. "Today we can proudly say that Springfield has clearly entered the ranks of third-tier Hillels."

Philanthropist Burns explained his motivation for his gift: "What this town needs is better deli! And more doctors, lawyers and accountants."

In a moving address, Krusty the Clown, the actor Herschel Shmoikel Pinkus Yerucham Krustofsky, dedicated the Rabbi Hyman Krustofski Chapel in memory of his father, who served as the Hillel director at Springfield U. (then known as Springfield State College for Animal Husbandry) from 1955 to 1971. "If my father were alive today, he would be very senile," said Krustofsky. "Nevertheless, he would be very proud of this new facility. He devoted his life to engaging Jewish students, and perfecting his shot off the tee. " Rabbi Krustofski was also known as the "Timothy Leary of the Mosaic Faith" and "The Psychedelic Rebbe."

Archival photo of Springfield Hillel in the 1990s.

Springfield Hillel Executive Director Reuven Murdock explained that Hillel has been totally transformed since the 1970s: "Back then, Hillel was all about boys with beanies. Today, the girls can wear beanies, too."

In addition to the Krustofski Chapel, the new 50,000-square-foot facility will feature an Olympic-size pool, shuffleboard courts, a parcheesi room, laundromat, hookah bar, Duff-pong tables, helipad, library, study rooms and a kosher dining facility with a 24-hour, all-you-can-eat cholent bar.

Springfield resident Homer Simpson was particularly pleased with the cholent bar. Simpson explained that he paid for his wife's college tuition by serving as the Hillel "Shabbes boy." "I took the job for the money but I stayed for the free jelly donuts," Simpson said. His daughter, Lisa, and her friend, Rachel Cohen, also attended the event.

"I transferred to Springfield from Brandeis," said Cohen. "Brandeis simply wasn't 'Jewish' enough for me. And Springfield beats Waltham any day."

"Springfield U. is one of the finest semi-accredited institutions of higher learning in the nation. It is only fitting that we should have a Hillel facility of equal caliber," said Springfield Chancellor Mike Reiss. "In an academic world that prides itself on creating the next Plato or Socrates, we produce Homers."

*Springfield University Hillel was featured on the January 27, 2008 episode of The Simpsons.

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