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Parshat Lech Lecha
2005
Why is My Family So Difficult?
This week's Torah portion is famous for the overwhelmingly beautiful and mysterious command given to Abraham to "go forth" from his birthplace with the promise that God will make him into a great nation so that all the families of the earth will be blessed by him. It sounds so hopeful and inspirational! And yet, it is possible to say: What happens the morning after - when the reality sets in? How does Abraham (called Abram at first) pick up, corral his family and begin the journey? Almost immediately he becomes enmeshed in predicaments and arguments with his wife, Sarai (Sarah), and his nephew, Lot. Let's just say it out loud: Family life is difficult and full of strife.
Abram makes some pretty risky decisions when it comes to his relationship with Sarai. For a prime example of his risky behavior, we note his decision to pass off Sarai to Pharaoh and the Egyptians as his beautiful sister rather than his wife. The emotional complexity involved in such a decision truly brings into question Abram's understanding of the sanctity of their marital relationship.
Abram's journey continues. He argues with Lot over land north of the Negev. He and Lot disagree over the land that they and their shepherds will settle in. The strife is so great that finally Abram informs his nephew that they can no longer live and herd their animals on the same land. It is time to separate. Abram tells him, "If you go north, I will go south; and if you go south, I will go north" (Genesis 13:9). Like so many families, Lot and Abram, though related by blood, were unable to get along with one another, so they went their separate ways.
And even with Lot gone from the family, the marital strife and disappointment continue. Sarai and Abram are unable to have children. In order to conceive and to fulfill the great promise made to them by God, Sarai decides that she will give her handmaid, Hagar, to Abraham as a wife. The language of the text is sensitive to the aspect that this was Sarai's decision and Abraham went along with it. It was not meant to change their relationship. Sarai was still his wife. And now, so was Hagar. At first we see Sarai's behavior as selfless. Though she had internal feelings of failure, she initiated the process whereby they would have offspring. But couldn't she see how difficult and destructive this decision would be to their marriage? How on earth could this be a good thing?
Rashi comments that the moment that Hagar conceives, she sees Sarai in a new, contemptuous light. Hagar assumes that Sarai must not be the righteous person that everyone else thinks she is. Otherwise Sarai would not have these problems conceiving. Just think of the emotional dynamics that had to have been exposed in this situation. We readers witness the bitter emotions that pour out from Sarai because of Hagar's accusations about Sarai's character. It is heartbreaking.
By offering her handmaid to Abram as a surrogate, Sarai did something that, on the face of it, was praiseworthy. But the situation snowballed beyond her ability to cope, and Sarai did not anticipate the result: the arrogance of Hagar. She could not cope with admission of failure that this represented, which led to a terribly unfortunate outcome - strife between husband and wife, the rejection of Hagar and the rebuff of their offspring, Ishmael.
Torah teaches us that seemingly straightforward situations are not always what they seem to be. They are fraught with emotions. Abram and Sarai meant well. It is hard for us to fault them, but we do. In each of these situations, they could not handle what they initiated. The consequences were much more complicated than they had intended.
Like Sarai and Abram, we, too, make well-intentioned mistakes, sometimes misusing our own family members, taking our personal relationships for granted or misunderstanding just how difficult a situation may become as a result of our actions. May we take comfort in knowing that, though they made mistakes, Abram and Sarai became Abraham (a father of a multitude of nations) and Sarah (princess) and received God's blessings. May we too receive God's blessings as we go on our own life's journeys, even when we make mistakes.
Prepared by Rabbi Andrea Steinberger, Hillel at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.
Learn More
Additional commentaries and text studies on Parshat Lech Lecha at MyJewishLearning.com.
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